Possibly not, but it sure feels good.
My official last day working at GSK is October 15th! I cannot explain how good it makes me feel to have a plan in place. While there ARE many things I'll miss about my time here at GSK, I hate living in limbo. That does NOT necessarily mean that I have a well-thought-out plan. Actually, my plan ends at October 15th. From there, I'm hoping something materializes. Seriously.
Anyway, I am still on the Great American Job Search and hitting the pavement relatively hard. Okay, not THAT hard. I'm negotiating some changes in my life right now. One of them is the possiblity of working only part time, which Muslces and I are trying to make feasible. To do that, we need to sell one of our cars, which is no small feat in this economy. We're working to figure out a plan for that. Working part time would allow me to free my inner domestic diva, as well as pursue my Master's degree... as well as raise kiddos eventually... as well as do a little something else that I have in mind but cannot reveal just yet due to Muscles not exactly being on board with me. I am not working THAT hard to find my dream job right now, though, because I need my degree in hand to acquire that one.
This huge weight has been lifted from me by choosing a final date to work at GSK, though. I have been dreading work each day, knowing that many of the things I am working towards will not come to fruition until after I'm gone. I couldn't really start closing up shop either, because, I was still here "for the time being." Not to mention the recent influx of petty office drama bubbling under the surface. Ginger Snap is brewing some Trouble Soup as we speak, I'm sure. I don't know that YesMan was particularly happy with my departure timing, as she hoped I would stay until my replacement arrived, I think, but I hope she understands. It's dog-eat-dog world around here, and my fragile self cannot compete.
So, hello, Future. I would like to chat with you for a bit...
Dear Future (AKA God Above),
I know it's your job to make the plans and mine to live in them. But please take care of me and my family. It's not your obiligation, but it would be greatly appreciated if you could also help us see the reasons behind Your decisions.
Thanks, buddy!
-Kristy
9.18.2009
Give Me One Reason To Stay Here... And I'll Turn Right Back Around
September 18th.
This date is always significant to me. Most importantly, today is my husband's birthday. This year, he's 26, which blows me away. This little nugget of information is difficult for me to grasp because it means, in no uncertain terms, that I, too, will soon be 26. And.I.Am.Not.Ready.For.That. I know those of you older than me are probably laughing or groaning right now, but 26 is really hitting me hard (and it hasn't hit me yet exactly). It's the beginning of Late-20's to some. It's SO FAR AWAY from 18 and 21 (my favorite ages). And I still feel like I'm stuck in limbo. Like my life has taken these last 2-3 years to stand still... and stop almost. At 25 and 1/2, I have officially completed my Bachelor's degree, which, of course, I'm happy about. Better late than never.
On the other hand, I have also succeeded in acquiring and then throwing away a good job at Girl Scouts (By the way, this date is when I started working at GS 2 years ago.) and trying unsuccessfully to concieve children. I have struggled endlessly with my mother's "new" disability and the state of my parents' lives these days versus when I was growing up. I have been a good wife, but a moody wife. I have leaned on God and then fought His Will. I am less sure of what I want to do with my life now that I have ever been. I am open to change, but impatient for God to reveal to me what changes are coming. Again, I am in limbo.
All of these feelings and a heart-to-heart with my BFF Hypo has led me down a new-ish path. I am diligently working to slightly alter some of my thinking patterns and life habits in order to live in a way that glorifies God. One action that Hypo challenged me to take was to join a women's ministry Bible study. She insisted that this would put some things in perspective and also give me the assurance of knowing I am not alone. So, I took her challenge and my Sister-in-law helped me find a women's Bible study, which we began together last night.
I was nervous.
I haven't been involved in a Bible study in a very long time. While I study the Bible on my own in spurts, I don't necessarily feel "adequate" among women who seem to be cozying up with Jesus in their free time. I wouldn't say I feel inadequate either. I feel confident and comfortable in my relationship with God, but I have always had trouble making this very private relationship public. I think this stems from my mother, who is very private in nature, but that's another story...
Anyway, I really enjoyed attending this new Bible study last night. We're doing Beth Moore's Daniel, and I'm very excited. I was even more excited to hear several women speaking last night that I could instantly identify with. As you loyal Bloggie-Blog followers know, Muscles & I have been trying to have a baby of our own for 2 and 1/2 years. That's a hard pill to swallow, and, at times, it disqualifies me from feeling a part of the sisterhood of women in their 20's. Last night, though, FOUR different women discuss issues that were related to infertility and child-bearing. I felt like God led me to that room full of women for a reason, and that was just the tip of the iceberg. That was just His way of saying "You are supposed to be here."
So, yes, I am happy to be involved in that. I think this post sounds depressing, and I really didn't meant it as that at all. (Maybe it's because Aunt Flo is on her way today or tomorrow?) I am not depressed. I am thankful for the MANY blessings in my life. I am instead frustrated about losing control of my life, when I am so accustomed to calling the shots. My hope for myself is to realize God's power, which He has whether I acknowledge it or not, and find joy in the cards I'm dealt.
... Happy Birthday, Ja!
This date is always significant to me. Most importantly, today is my husband's birthday. This year, he's 26, which blows me away. This little nugget of information is difficult for me to grasp because it means, in no uncertain terms, that I, too, will soon be 26. And.I.Am.Not.Ready.For.That. I know those of you older than me are probably laughing or groaning right now, but 26 is really hitting me hard (and it hasn't hit me yet exactly). It's the beginning of Late-20's to some. It's SO FAR AWAY from 18 and 21 (my favorite ages). And I still feel like I'm stuck in limbo. Like my life has taken these last 2-3 years to stand still... and stop almost. At 25 and 1/2, I have officially completed my Bachelor's degree, which, of course, I'm happy about. Better late than never.
On the other hand, I have also succeeded in acquiring and then throwing away a good job at Girl Scouts (By the way, this date is when I started working at GS 2 years ago.) and trying unsuccessfully to concieve children. I have struggled endlessly with my mother's "new" disability and the state of my parents' lives these days versus when I was growing up. I have been a good wife, but a moody wife. I have leaned on God and then fought His Will. I am less sure of what I want to do with my life now that I have ever been. I am open to change, but impatient for God to reveal to me what changes are coming. Again, I am in limbo.
All of these feelings and a heart-to-heart with my BFF Hypo has led me down a new-ish path. I am diligently working to slightly alter some of my thinking patterns and life habits in order to live in a way that glorifies God. One action that Hypo challenged me to take was to join a women's ministry Bible study. She insisted that this would put some things in perspective and also give me the assurance of knowing I am not alone. So, I took her challenge and my Sister-in-law helped me find a women's Bible study, which we began together last night.
I was nervous.
I haven't been involved in a Bible study in a very long time. While I study the Bible on my own in spurts, I don't necessarily feel "adequate" among women who seem to be cozying up with Jesus in their free time. I wouldn't say I feel inadequate either. I feel confident and comfortable in my relationship with God, but I have always had trouble making this very private relationship public. I think this stems from my mother, who is very private in nature, but that's another story...
Anyway, I really enjoyed attending this new Bible study last night. We're doing Beth Moore's Daniel, and I'm very excited. I was even more excited to hear several women speaking last night that I could instantly identify with. As you loyal Bloggie-Blog followers know, Muscles & I have been trying to have a baby of our own for 2 and 1/2 years. That's a hard pill to swallow, and, at times, it disqualifies me from feeling a part of the sisterhood of women in their 20's. Last night, though, FOUR different women discuss issues that were related to infertility and child-bearing. I felt like God led me to that room full of women for a reason, and that was just the tip of the iceberg. That was just His way of saying "You are supposed to be here."
So, yes, I am happy to be involved in that. I think this post sounds depressing, and I really didn't meant it as that at all. (Maybe it's because Aunt Flo is on her way today or tomorrow?) I am not depressed. I am thankful for the MANY blessings in my life. I am instead frustrated about losing control of my life, when I am so accustomed to calling the shots. My hope for myself is to realize God's power, which He has whether I acknowledge it or not, and find joy in the cards I'm dealt.
... Happy Birthday, Ja!
9.02.2009
Confessions of a South Beach Reformist
- One great thing about this diet is that artificially sweetened products suddenly taste delicious. In fact, anything with even an hint of sweetness seems like it's the best quality of that item you've ever had. It's a treat.
- Another good thing is that I never have to be hungry. I can eat as many vegetables and protiens as I would like (as long as their on the list, which is pretty extensive).
- I miss bacon, but turkey bacon is a surprisingly good substitute. Just don't buy any if you like your bacon crispy.
- I have cheated (slightly) twice. The first time was on Saturday when I ate a chicken wing. It was hot and greasy and UBER good. The second time was last night when I enjoyed 2 glasses of red wine, which was also totally worth it. (Note: Red wine is allowed after Phase 1 anyway, so I really only count that as half of a cheat.)
- I saw a number on the scale today that I don't think I've seen in a year. It was excellent motivation.
- Because I have to eat half a cup of veggies with my breakfast, I've been coming up with some strange concoctions. For example, this morning I had an egg and half a yellow squash sauteed and topped with lowfat cheese. It was delish... strangely enough.
- 2 Cups of veggies are REQUIRED with lunch and dinner, so I'm never hungry after. Next time you go to cook dinner, do a little experiement. See what 2 cups actually looks like. It's no small feat.
- I MIGHT'VE roped a co-worker into taking on this challenge with me so I don't feel so silly when I talk about it. Also, to use as a Coach.
- Ricotta cheese mixed with unsweetened cocoa, vanilla, and sweet&low is my new best friend. So are Sugar-free fudgsicles. Hello dessert!
- The cravings for sugar are not terrible, but don't seem to subside EVER.
9.01.2009
Top 10 Cliches I'll Be Looking Out For On My Upcoming Cruise...
Of course, I'll be spying the entire guest list and crew, Carmen-Sandiego-style.
10. Those ever elusive Bermuda shorts and floral Hawaiian shirts. Nothing gets a girl like a little hamburger meat poking out of one of those things.
9. Sharks. A girl's gotta be safe while At Sea, and this girl knows exactly what to look for -- Pointy fins & creepy music.
8. Scrunchies -- Land or sea, these never really get old for me.
7. Men with suntan lotion bathed noses. Does anyone else remember the guy from Salute Your Shorts with a mullet who constantly sported this look?
6. Speedos. While in Orlando a couple of months back, I discovered that the British love these teeny bits of loin cloth. If I see a really outlandish one, say leopard print, I'll snap a pic.
5. The BayWatch run. Maybe some liquid courage will get some self confident girl going, and she'll break it out on the Lido deck.
4. Too much skin. Rather, I will be watching out to look the other way on this one. Thongs, toplessness, and too-little 'kini's are unwanted in my neck of the ship. Save that for your cabin.
3. Itsy Bitsy Cabin Space. Muscles & I will be sleeping in bunk beds during our relaxing vacay -- It really amps up the romance. KIDDING... but I hope to scope out rooms even smaller than my budget allowed and say "Wow. Looks a little cramped in there."
2. Titanic-like flings AND disasters. I hope to see at least one person at the front of the ship, arms spread, shouting "I'm the king of the world!" I hope NOT to see any icebergs or sinking vessels, but perhaps some displays of fear in the form of seasickness.
1. The Captain. I picture him on his throne behind the large Oak stern (is that what it's called?), with his little sailor outfit and a hat. When I finally break through the dense secruity and speak to him, I imagine he'll be too busy counting Knots to acknowledge me.
10. Those ever elusive Bermuda shorts and floral Hawaiian shirts. Nothing gets a girl like a little hamburger meat poking out of one of those things.
9. Sharks. A girl's gotta be safe while At Sea, and this girl knows exactly what to look for -- Pointy fins & creepy music.
8. Scrunchies -- Land or sea, these never really get old for me.
7. Men with suntan lotion bathed noses. Does anyone else remember the guy from Salute Your Shorts with a mullet who constantly sported this look?
6. Speedos. While in Orlando a couple of months back, I discovered that the British love these teeny bits of loin cloth. If I see a really outlandish one, say leopard print, I'll snap a pic.
5. The BayWatch run. Maybe some liquid courage will get some self confident girl going, and she'll break it out on the Lido deck.
4. Too much skin. Rather, I will be watching out to look the other way on this one. Thongs, toplessness, and too-little 'kini's are unwanted in my neck of the ship. Save that for your cabin.
3. Itsy Bitsy Cabin Space. Muscles & I will be sleeping in bunk beds during our relaxing vacay -- It really amps up the romance. KIDDING... but I hope to scope out rooms even smaller than my budget allowed and say "Wow. Looks a little cramped in there."
2. Titanic-like flings AND disasters. I hope to see at least one person at the front of the ship, arms spread, shouting "I'm the king of the world!" I hope NOT to see any icebergs or sinking vessels, but perhaps some displays of fear in the form of seasickness.
1. The Captain. I picture him on his throne behind the large Oak stern (is that what it's called?), with his little sailor outfit and a hat. When I finally break through the dense secruity and speak to him, I imagine he'll be too busy counting Knots to acknowledge me.
An Update By Way of a Top Ten List
So, after a two month hiatus (and a near break-up altogether), I decided to get back to the bloggie blog today. With so MANY happenings in my life since my last post, I don't really know where to start. So, let's make a list.
The Top 10 Most Interesting Things That Have Happened to Me Since Last Post (In No Particular Order):
10. We tried our first IUI. Shortly (27 days to be exact) after my last post, Muscles and I took our first chance on pregnancy by means of Turkey Bastin'. I had 2 lovely eggs, somewhat anyway. Two days prior to the procedure, one was 15 mm and the other was 17 mm. The ideal size is somewhere in the mid-20's and they grow approximately 2-3 mm per day. So, I was doing alright. The Turkey Bastin' itself was pretty uneventful, as there were no surprises. The next two weeks, however, were deliciously nerve-wracking. I tried my very best (most of the time) not to think about it and not to get my hopes up. Afterall, success rates per Turkey Bastin' cycle are about 10-15%. However, all my efforts couldn't keep me from thinking about it occasionally... and questioning every symptom... and generally driving myself crazy. Unfortunately, it did not take, and we are still BunInTheOven-less. I was disappointed, but not devestated. We will continue to try. I can be reasonable...
9. July brought quite the fire into Ginger Snap's eyes (Reminder: Ginger Snap is my Office Nemesis). Ginger Snap went on a full-fledged rampage to sully my good name. Without going into gory detail about her ill-willed antics, let's just say that in a month-long period, she yelled at me, accused me of lying, accused me of stealing -- TWICE, and generally bad-mouthed me to fellow co-workers. Why, you ask, does Ginger Snap have it out for me? What did I do you, you wonder? Not much. And I can verify that. My boss, YesMan, says that Ginger Snap is intimidated by me and wants me to like her. Well, I tried. On numerous occasions, I have invited Ginger to social functions, both with groups and without. Has she ever, even once, taken me up on it? NOPE. She always says (and I quote) "I just want to go home and spend time with Husband." Anyway, AN-EE-WAY, I am getting off topic. All of Ginger's accusations were, of course, false, but I started to take them personally. Afterall, this was defamation of character to a degree. After much thought, I marched into YesMan's office one morning and informed her that I was fed up -- I was having a talk with Ginger Snap ASAP. YesMan expressed her confidence in my decision (and a bit of fear, too, I think. I'm quite formidable when I'm angry.), and I called Ginger into my office. Basically, Ginger and I couldn't see eye to eye on one single thing. As my boss instructed, I demanded an apology (which I only half-heartedly got). The highlight of the entire discussion, in my humble opinion, was when she screamed "I would be so SO happy if I never ever had to work with you again another day as long as I live." Priceless.
8. Which leads me to the next most interesting thing, and that is that I have decided to leave GSK. My time here is just up, I think. I am getting burnt out on the office drama, especially, and also the long weekend hours. I would like to get back into Social Service, which is my real passion anyway, and I have already made efforts towards it. I thought I had (and actually accepted) a great new job in this field, but, to my great disappointment, it's not going to work out. However, I had already given my notice to GSK. So, luckily for me, GSK has offered to allow me to stay until they hire my replacement and/or I find something else. So, for now, I'm answering questions about badges and cookies. Soon, though, I'll be on to better, if not bigger, things.
7. Also related, I've decided to get my Masters degree. I will be spending this Fall semester preparing to apply to WKU's graduate school and the Masters of Social Work program I have decided on. It's going to be a long road, and I am definitely nervous about it, but I am ready. Don't count on that degree just yet -- I might still change my mind, but I AM going to continue higher education.
6. On a completely different note, I had the opportunity to enjoy my belated birthday gift from my husband in August and visit my BFF Army Wife in El Paso, Texas. I had never been out to west Texas, but I was pleasantly surprised how beautiful it was. (See evidence above.) It was just a long weekend, but we had a blast -- going to a comedy show to see Charlie Murphy (Eddie's bro, of course), shopping, and eating ridiculous amounts of Asian fare (our favorite). It was great to see the gal.
5. So, remember that new J-O-B mentioned in #8? The reason it didn't work out was because I graduated from WKU with my Bachelor's degree this summer. Oh wait. No I didn't. I graduate in December... and even though I am completely finished with all requirements (AND I obtained a signed letter from the Dean of my college to attest to this), I cannot actually be proclaimed a graduate until December. This fabulous employment opportunity required a degree right now (which I thought I had when I applied -- I'm not a total moron), but I could not offer that. Hopefully, something else fantastic will come along. Until then, you guys can plan what you're going to wear to my Out of Control, Belated, Hallelujah, It's Over Graduation Extravaganza in December.
4. But seriously... one of the best things that has happened to me in recent months (rather weeks) is growth of my spritual self. I've really been questioning alot in my life lately -- what God's purpose is for me through work, why I'm not pregnant yet, etc. -- and I have had to repeatedly give those questions and concerns and anxieties to God and trust that He will take care of me.... Just like He always has. Simply put, with all that He does for me, I am ready to grow up a little and do a little more for Him. And it feels wonderful.
3. For a random change of pace, I took a little impromptu road trip to the Big Apple one weekend. We drove. Yes, you read that correctly. 12 hours there and back in the "roomy" backseat of a Honda Ridgeline. My friend, Shrek, invited me along on this trip with a mission, and I went, happy to have the opportunity to spend some QT with her, as I hadn't seen her much this summer. The entire weekend was a complete display of ridiculousness. To begin, this lovely Asian couple drove us the entire way and back. I can't get into the hairy details of why we were going, but you might say I was an accessory to the Purse Mafioso for the weekend. Anyway, these lovely Asians had a penchant for a certain 80's mix CD that they played no less (literally) that 15x beginning to finish. Songs that used to illicit happy middle-school-era memories for me -- Musta Been Love, for example -- now make me cringe. Also, these people MIGHT have been in marriage counseling in their regular, non-Mafioso lives and MIGHT NOT have been the most pleasant traveling companions. To make it worse, their fathers taught them to read maps upside down and not trust GPS systems because we repeatedly got lost or "took the long way." And the nail in the coffin? I only enjoyed the sketch parts of the city: Chinatown & Little Italy for about 5 hours... then the drive home began. On the bright side, I had the best vodka sauce of my life in Little Italy and my taste buds still shiver at the thought of it.
2. Whew. This is a mucho longo list. I'm probably fatigued easily because I'm on the bird food diet for two weeks. Oops. I mean the South Beach Diet Phase 1. Actually, it's not bad. And I'm not tired OR hungry per say. I just crave sugar like it's a hard drug. You see, the premise of this diet is to detox your body from the excessive amounts of sugar and white flour that we consume. Then you begin to reintroduce things in a healthy way. My biggest beef with this program? I think it's going to cut into my PF Changs consumption considerably -- and possibly permanently. I like the results so far. I am on Day 8 of 14. I've lost about 6 pounds, and my goal is to lose 12. I think I would have heightened self esteem if I saw that special number on the scale, but anyway... It's extremely easy to lose weight in this first phase IF you like lots of vegetables. It's definitely alot of work -- because most things have to be prepared from scratch. Alot of canned foods or processed foods contain sugar, which is, again, a no-no. I'm hoping that it will at least slightly change my outlook on eating in general, but I'm probably being too optimistic. We'll see.
1. Last, and, in my opinion, best of all, Muscles and I booked a vacation! It was against our better judgement -- as we planned to put all available funds towards baby-making, but it is MUCH needed. We're driving down to New Orleans on Friday and sailing away on Saturday until next Thursday. Lucky me, huh? I've never been on a cruise before, so I'm definitely excited.
It felt good to say all those things, but now I'm exhuasted.
Next time, a less extensive list.
7.10.2009
The Right Place, The Wrong Time
Yesterday, Muscles & I had our all-important appointment with Baby Doc. (Well, we didn't actually see Baby Doc because he wasn't working, but we did see his office and his nurses.) Anyway, Muscles and I had to be there at 8:45 AM because I was determined to both see the doctor and make it to my internship on time that afternoon (which I did). We woke up a bit groggy, but mostly excited about the possibilities ahead of us. We definitely said a handful of prayers on the way out the door, on the interstate, and once we arrived.
Thank you, by the way, for the outpouring of support we have received so far in this journey to parenthood. All of the prayers are SO appreciated, and I hope you continue to keep us in your hearts.
Let me refresh your memory: Yesterday, I was scheduled to have an ultrasound. In this said ultrasound, they would determine if the medicine I was on had succeeded in making me ovulate. If I was close to ovulation, they would give me a shot to tell me eggies to "Come on down!" and then we would try the Turkey Bastin' procedure the next day.
So, there we were, praying for both strength and good news simultaneously. Some newbie nurse led me into an ultrasound room where she instructed me to undress from the waist down and wait until the person responsible for operating the machine came in. I did this, covered myself with the paper napkin provided, and tried to prepare myself for all possibilities. I found myself silently chanting: I believe in Your Love. I believe in Your Power. I believe in Your Plan. Muscles, who sat nervously nearby, was probably doing something similar but we didn't talk much. We just silently hoped for good news. Even with the knowledge that infertility is a long process, it is difficult not to hope that we are some of the lucky ones. After all, we have been at this for nearly 2 and a half years already.
The nurse comes in quite awhile later (Not typical for this facility). I'll spare you the fun details, but after looking at my ovaries, she states that I had one mature, good-sized follicle. It was 22.5 mm. (A little background: Anything over 18 and under 30 is good really.) However, it looks like it could be a cyst instead. Cripes. That crushed me.
She went on to say that the other possibility is that I had ovulated in fact, but that it was already in progress. That would mean that we missed our window of opportunity for this month. We have chosen to believe this option.
Nurse thanked us and deposited us in a waiting room to talk with yet another nurse about our options. I know this is not a devastating revelation now, but then... then it felt terrible. It's difficult not to blame yourself when your own body won't cooperate. Muscles comforted me, and I tried to hold it together. After all, there are plenty of couples who suffer much more difficult setbacks... and perhaps never have their own children. I can now say that this is but a bump in the road.
When we got into the consultation room with Nurse #3, she gave us a couple of options. First, she said, it was likely that I had already begun ovulating this month. (This is the same as Nurse #2's assessment.) Next, she stated that there is still a possibility that I did not ovulate, and instead just have a cyst. (Burn. Again.) She said we had two choices as to what we would like to do today. The first choice would be to take a blood sample from me immediately and test whether or not my hormone levels indicate ovulation has occurred. After that (and if) was confirmed, we would then get a sperm sample from Muscles. Those would be washed, and we would complete the procedure sometime that afternoon. The second choice was to go home, hop in the sack, try the old-fashioned way again this month, and start fresh with my next cycle.
It took some self-constraint to make this decision, but we pretty quickly decided to go with the second choice. Our main reason being that, if the follicle could not be confirmed as an eggie instead of a cyst, we would be wasting our money on a long shot. We have to be smart about this if we want to be successful. So, even though it means at least 3-4 more weeks of waiting, we decided to hold off.
The bright side of this appointment was that we learned that the medicine I took this cycle works for me. This medicine carries certain risks with it (as most fertility meds do), but it is a MUCH less expensive route to parenthood (hopefully). So, as a result, we get to continue using this medication and trying the Turkey Baster method. The dark side of our visit was, of course, the disappointment about having to wait even longer to get this show on the road.
Anyway, it took me about six hours of a pity party to think about this rationally, and I am now looking towards the future. I am also enjoying the old-fashioned method with hunky Muscles. :)
Thank you, by the way, for the outpouring of support we have received so far in this journey to parenthood. All of the prayers are SO appreciated, and I hope you continue to keep us in your hearts.
Let me refresh your memory: Yesterday, I was scheduled to have an ultrasound. In this said ultrasound, they would determine if the medicine I was on had succeeded in making me ovulate. If I was close to ovulation, they would give me a shot to tell me eggies to "Come on down!" and then we would try the Turkey Bastin' procedure the next day.
So, there we were, praying for both strength and good news simultaneously. Some newbie nurse led me into an ultrasound room where she instructed me to undress from the waist down and wait until the person responsible for operating the machine came in. I did this, covered myself with the paper napkin provided, and tried to prepare myself for all possibilities. I found myself silently chanting: I believe in Your Love. I believe in Your Power. I believe in Your Plan. Muscles, who sat nervously nearby, was probably doing something similar but we didn't talk much. We just silently hoped for good news. Even with the knowledge that infertility is a long process, it is difficult not to hope that we are some of the lucky ones. After all, we have been at this for nearly 2 and a half years already.
The nurse comes in quite awhile later (Not typical for this facility). I'll spare you the fun details, but after looking at my ovaries, she states that I had one mature, good-sized follicle. It was 22.5 mm. (A little background: Anything over 18 and under 30 is good really.) However, it looks like it could be a cyst instead. Cripes. That crushed me.
She went on to say that the other possibility is that I had ovulated in fact, but that it was already in progress. That would mean that we missed our window of opportunity for this month. We have chosen to believe this option.
Nurse thanked us and deposited us in a waiting room to talk with yet another nurse about our options. I know this is not a devastating revelation now, but then... then it felt terrible. It's difficult not to blame yourself when your own body won't cooperate. Muscles comforted me, and I tried to hold it together. After all, there are plenty of couples who suffer much more difficult setbacks... and perhaps never have their own children. I can now say that this is but a bump in the road.
When we got into the consultation room with Nurse #3, she gave us a couple of options. First, she said, it was likely that I had already begun ovulating this month. (This is the same as Nurse #2's assessment.) Next, she stated that there is still a possibility that I did not ovulate, and instead just have a cyst. (Burn. Again.) She said we had two choices as to what we would like to do today. The first choice would be to take a blood sample from me immediately and test whether or not my hormone levels indicate ovulation has occurred. After that (and if) was confirmed, we would then get a sperm sample from Muscles. Those would be washed, and we would complete the procedure sometime that afternoon. The second choice was to go home, hop in the sack, try the old-fashioned way again this month, and start fresh with my next cycle.
It took some self-constraint to make this decision, but we pretty quickly decided to go with the second choice. Our main reason being that, if the follicle could not be confirmed as an eggie instead of a cyst, we would be wasting our money on a long shot. We have to be smart about this if we want to be successful. So, even though it means at least 3-4 more weeks of waiting, we decided to hold off.
The bright side of this appointment was that we learned that the medicine I took this cycle works for me. This medicine carries certain risks with it (as most fertility meds do), but it is a MUCH less expensive route to parenthood (hopefully). So, as a result, we get to continue using this medication and trying the Turkey Baster method. The dark side of our visit was, of course, the disappointment about having to wait even longer to get this show on the road.
Anyway, it took me about six hours of a pity party to think about this rationally, and I am now looking towards the future. I am also enjoying the old-fashioned method with hunky Muscles. :)
7.07.2009
One to Hang on The Fridge
I just finished up with my annual review and, I have to say, it went very well. Toot toot. (That was me tooting my own horn.) I'll paint you a picture...
My two bosses called me into the office this afternoon about 15 minutes after we were scheduled to meet. Way to make a girl sweat.
They were seated side by side, across the table from me. One of my bosses, YesMan, is who I spend most of my days with. YesMan is actually a she, and I like her very much. She got her moniker from her easy-going personality. YesMan believes in autonomy and letting people work their own way. If you ask her to let you try out a little something new or to leave work early or to help you think through a problem, her answer is almost always an unequivocal YES. My other boss, my solid-line boss, as they like to call her around here, works a couple of hours away on a daily basis. They call her my solid-line boss because YesMan is my dotted-line boss. What that amounts to is madness, basically. The solid-line boss has more authority over me, and yet, rarely sees me. Oh, and the two of them are lateral within the company. It's very confusing, I know. Imagine me on a daily basis, going into YesMan's office to ask a question, only to realize I must take it back and call the long distance boss, Deb-OR-Uh. It's important that you pronounce her name that way instead of abbreviate it. I learned this quickly. Anyway, this makes it sound like I do not like Deb-OR-Uh, but I do. I actually like her very much as well. I'm a lucky gal to have these woman lead me. YesMan is so genuine and caring, and Deb-OR-Uh is so outspoken and spicy!
Having these two women before me, I wasn't exactly nervous. If they had issues with me before today, they would've (and have) expressed them already. We went through each section of the form, discussing my accomplishments since our last meeting. So far, so good.
Pause. I need to give you a little background. My last review was horrendous. Okay... It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't good. I was having some issues with a couple of staff members,and they were having even larger issues with me. Whereas they had been dutifully tattling on me to YesMan, I had been keeping quiet, thinking that was the mature thing to do. Unfortunately, it shed me a guilty light. In all honesty, now that I have stepped back from the situation, there were just a lot of miscommunications and even a total lack of communication at times. I still scored a "Very Good" overall, but I received alot more negative feedback than my overachiever ego is accustomed to.
Anyway, YesMan and Deb-OR-Uh go on to announce how proud they are of me and of my "growth through adversity." The remainder of the meeting was pretty much a swan song to my former self and a victorious Hallmark card dedicated to my improvement. That phrase, though, "growth through adversity" stuck with me and got me thinking...
Not to sing a sad, autobiographical song, but that's really been a strong theme throughout my adolescence and adult life. One of my favorite quotes of all time is "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." For a 25-year-old woman (if I can call myself that), I have been through some tough stuff -- an extremely unhealthy and abusive relationship, almost losing my mom twice, battling illness and infertility, marriage, watching my parents lose the life it took them 30 years to build... and that's not all. But I'm not asking for pity or sympathy. (Sometimes, when I have a really down day, I DO ask for those things from Muscles, but usually I don't like to dwell on them.) I think God has given me challenges, knowing I would figure out the best way to face them and come out on the other side more mature and resilient. Not only that, but I think I am called to help others who are going through difficult times when the assurance and peace God gave me. Maybe I just have The Big Head after my swell review, but I think I have always felt this way. Counseling and talking comes natural to me. I belong in a place, in a profession, where I can utilize those skills.
Okay. Toot toot. Enough about me... Oh wait. This is my bloggie blog. :)
My two bosses called me into the office this afternoon about 15 minutes after we were scheduled to meet. Way to make a girl sweat.
They were seated side by side, across the table from me. One of my bosses, YesMan, is who I spend most of my days with. YesMan is actually a she, and I like her very much. She got her moniker from her easy-going personality. YesMan believes in autonomy and letting people work their own way. If you ask her to let you try out a little something new or to leave work early or to help you think through a problem, her answer is almost always an unequivocal YES. My other boss, my solid-line boss, as they like to call her around here, works a couple of hours away on a daily basis. They call her my solid-line boss because YesMan is my dotted-line boss. What that amounts to is madness, basically. The solid-line boss has more authority over me, and yet, rarely sees me. Oh, and the two of them are lateral within the company. It's very confusing, I know. Imagine me on a daily basis, going into YesMan's office to ask a question, only to realize I must take it back and call the long distance boss, Deb-OR-Uh. It's important that you pronounce her name that way instead of abbreviate it. I learned this quickly. Anyway, this makes it sound like I do not like Deb-OR-Uh, but I do. I actually like her very much as well. I'm a lucky gal to have these woman lead me. YesMan is so genuine and caring, and Deb-OR-Uh is so outspoken and spicy!
Having these two women before me, I wasn't exactly nervous. If they had issues with me before today, they would've (and have) expressed them already. We went through each section of the form, discussing my accomplishments since our last meeting. So far, so good.
Pause. I need to give you a little background. My last review was horrendous. Okay... It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't good. I was having some issues with a couple of staff members,and they were having even larger issues with me. Whereas they had been dutifully tattling on me to YesMan, I had been keeping quiet, thinking that was the mature thing to do. Unfortunately, it shed me a guilty light. In all honesty, now that I have stepped back from the situation, there were just a lot of miscommunications and even a total lack of communication at times. I still scored a "Very Good" overall, but I received alot more negative feedback than my overachiever ego is accustomed to.
Anyway, YesMan and Deb-OR-Uh go on to announce how proud they are of me and of my "growth through adversity." The remainder of the meeting was pretty much a swan song to my former self and a victorious Hallmark card dedicated to my improvement. That phrase, though, "growth through adversity" stuck with me and got me thinking...
Not to sing a sad, autobiographical song, but that's really been a strong theme throughout my adolescence and adult life. One of my favorite quotes of all time is "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." For a 25-year-old woman (if I can call myself that), I have been through some tough stuff -- an extremely unhealthy and abusive relationship, almost losing my mom twice, battling illness and infertility, marriage, watching my parents lose the life it took them 30 years to build... and that's not all. But I'm not asking for pity or sympathy. (Sometimes, when I have a really down day, I DO ask for those things from Muscles, but usually I don't like to dwell on them.) I think God has given me challenges, knowing I would figure out the best way to face them and come out on the other side more mature and resilient. Not only that, but I think I am called to help others who are going through difficult times when the assurance and peace God gave me. Maybe I just have The Big Head after my swell review, but I think I have always felt this way. Counseling and talking comes natural to me. I belong in a place, in a profession, where I can utilize those skills.
Okay. Toot toot. Enough about me... Oh wait. This is my bloggie blog. :)
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