Give Me One Reason To Stay Here... And I'll Turn Right Back Around

September 18th.

This date is always significant to me. Most importantly, today is my husband's birthday. This year, he's 26, which blows me away. This little nugget of information is difficult for me to grasp because it means, in no uncertain terms, that I, too, will soon be 26. And.I.Am.Not.Ready.For.That. I know those of you older than me are probably laughing or groaning right now, but 26 is really hitting me hard (and it hasn't hit me yet exactly). It's the beginning of Late-20's to some. It's SO FAR AWAY from 18 and 21 (my favorite ages). And I still feel like I'm stuck in limbo. Like my life has taken these last 2-3 years to stand still... and stop almost. At 25 and 1/2, I have officially completed my Bachelor's degree, which, of course, I'm happy about. Better late than never.

On the other hand, I have also succeeded in acquiring and then throwing away a good job at Girl Scouts (By the way, this date is when I started working at GS 2 years ago.) and trying unsuccessfully to concieve children. I have struggled endlessly with my mother's "new" disability and the state of my parents' lives these days versus when I was growing up. I have been a good wife, but a moody wife. I have leaned on God and then fought His Will. I am less sure of what I want to do with my life now that I have ever been. I am open to change, but impatient for God to reveal to me what changes are coming. Again, I am in limbo.

All of these feelings and a heart-to-heart with my BFF Hypo has led me down a new-ish path. I am diligently working to slightly alter some of my thinking patterns and life habits in order to live in a way that glorifies God. One action that Hypo challenged me to take was to join a women's ministry Bible study. She insisted that this would put some things in perspective and also give me the assurance of knowing I am not alone. So, I took her challenge and my Sister-in-law helped me find a women's Bible study, which we began together last night.

I was nervous.

I haven't been involved in a Bible study in a very long time. While I study the Bible on my own in spurts, I don't necessarily feel "adequate" among women who seem to be cozying up with Jesus in their free time. I wouldn't say I feel inadequate either. I feel confident and comfortable in my relationship with God, but I have always had trouble making this very private relationship public. I think this stems from my mother, who is very private in nature, but that's another story...

Anyway, I really enjoyed attending this new Bible study last night. We're doing Beth Moore's Daniel, and I'm very excited. I was even more excited to hear several women speaking last night that I could instantly identify with. As you loyal Bloggie-Blog followers know, Muscles & I have been trying to have a baby of our own for 2 and 1/2 years. That's a hard pill to swallow, and, at times, it disqualifies me from feeling a part of the sisterhood of women in their 20's. Last night, though, FOUR different women discuss issues that were related to infertility and child-bearing. I felt like God led me to that room full of women for a reason, and that was just the tip of the iceberg. That was just His way of saying "You are supposed to be here."

So, yes, I am happy to be involved in that. I think this post sounds depressing, and I really didn't meant it as that at all. (Maybe it's because Aunt Flo is on her way today or tomorrow?) I am not depressed. I am thankful for the MANY blessings in my life. I am instead frustrated about losing control of my life, when I am so accustomed to calling the shots. My hope for myself is to realize God's power, which He has whether I acknowledge it or not, and find joy in the cards I'm dealt.

... Happy Birthday, Ja!