Top 10 Cliches I'll Be Looking Out For On My Upcoming Cruise...

Of course, I'll be spying the entire guest list and crew, Carmen-Sandiego-style.

10. Those ever elusive Bermuda shorts and floral Hawaiian shirts. Nothing gets a girl like a little hamburger meat poking out of one of those things.
9. Sharks. A girl's gotta be safe while At Sea, and this girl knows exactly what to look for -- Pointy fins & creepy music.
8. Scrunchies -- Land or sea, these never really get old for me.
7. Men with suntan lotion bathed noses. Does anyone else remember the guy from Salute Your Shorts with a mullet who constantly sported this look?
6. Speedos. While in Orlando a couple of months back, I discovered that the British love these teeny bits of loin cloth. If I see a really outlandish one, say leopard print, I'll snap a pic.
5. The BayWatch run. Maybe some liquid courage will get some self confident girl going, and she'll break it out on the Lido deck.
4. Too much skin. Rather, I will be watching out to look the other way on this one. Thongs, toplessness, and too-little 'kini's are unwanted in my neck of the ship. Save that for your cabin.
3. Itsy Bitsy Cabin Space. Muscles & I will be sleeping in bunk beds during our relaxing vacay -- It really amps up the romance. KIDDING... but I hope to scope out rooms even smaller than my budget allowed and say "Wow. Looks a little cramped in there."
2. Titanic-like flings AND disasters. I hope to see at least one person at the front of the ship, arms spread, shouting "I'm the king of the world!" I hope NOT to see any icebergs or sinking vessels, but perhaps some displays of fear in the form of seasickness.
1. The Captain. I picture him on his throne behind the large Oak stern (is that what it's called?), with his little sailor outfit and a hat. When I finally break through the dense secruity and speak to him, I imagine he'll be too busy counting Knots to acknowledge me.