Top 10 Things I'm Hoping Not to Hear at my Performance Review Today

I'm having my annual review this afternoon. In anticipation, I have been playing a little game of Worst Case Scenario...

10. Oops. You have a little something on your shirt. Oh, it's yesterday's breakfast? Okay...
9. You have done a great job! Unfortunately with the budget cuts, we won't be able to give you a raise this year. Instead, here's a complimentary Gator card! You can use it at over 20 locations.
8. You kind've sucked. Step yo' game up.
7. My boss's well-meaning but often creepy compliment, "Woooooooonderful." (Make sure you crescendo in the middle.)
6. With the lack of free time you seem to have, we think it's best to give you a few more responsibilities. You are now assigned to office maintenance, including but not limited to: vacuuming, sweeping, lawn care, toilet scrubbing, and shoe polishing.
5. We've decided to make Ginger your supervisor. She might snap (no pun intended) if she doesn't get a little more raw power around here.
4. You did great (or wooooooonderful) with product sales this year. As a result, we think we'll raise your goal up 10% instead of the customary 1%.
3. Excuse me. Something came up. Can we re-schedule for your birthday? (Or some other equally important and unavailable day.)
2. We think it's time for a demotion. How do you feel about becoming a troop leader this year?
1. Because of your outstanding performance this quarter, we would like to give you a special gift: an indefinite vacation.