Wanted: 32 Somewhat Structured Hours in a Day

This week I am on furlough from my job. What that amounts to is that all staff are required to take this week completely off from work with no pay. We are not allowed to go to the office, check our email or voice messages, or answer personal calls from volunteers. It was instituted as a way to try to salvage the meager budget this year. We found out about it a couple of months ago, and, to be quite honest, I have been excited about it rather than upset. Financially, I suppose it's a bit of a bummer, but socially it's been nice. There is another one scheduled for the week of Thanksgiving, and I plan to take a little vacay then, depending on where this baby stuff goes.

Anyway, I have had too much time to think and whatnot since this began. This has been a problem for me, of course. As much as I complain about always being tired and busy, I think I thrive under those circumstances. Monday, the first "real" day of the furlough, was great. I had an interview in the morning and then the doctor's appointment that afternoon with Jonathan. We went to our favorite Asian restaurant after that, and I was happy. My day was full. Yesterday was a different story. I had only one thing on the agenda: to have lunch with my friend, Shrek. This particular version of Shrek is not green. She is a girl and has impeccable manners. Perhaps she just has a penchant for wanting to be the center of things, much like the lovable, green ogre.

With all of that free time, I devised a plan of the many enjoyable things I wanted to accomplish yesterday: lay out, write a little in the bloggie blog, do some housework (only enjoyable when I have ample time), plan a fabulous dinner and execute it, and work out. Somehow, I managed to check off very few things on my fun to-do list. I did some laundry and light cleaning, and I made an average meal for my family. Where did all my time go, you ask? The sofa ate it. Yep. I laid on my sofa, flipping channels and checking my facebook. I even tried to take a nap, but no. I was too busy with the 2 afore mentioned activities to squeeze that in either. I was lost. So many good, solid options of what to do, and I took a big "L." This brings me to my next point...

I don't think I can ever be a stay-at-home mom. I know. Lightening strike me now.

Disclaimer: I am, in no way, knocking stay-at-home moms. My own mother stayed at home with me for most of my childhood, and it was an irreplaceable blessing. I actually think my working will be a detriment to my own mothering. Read on.

This topic has been on my mind alot as Muscles & I have gone through the reproductive technology process. I'm hoping to come out the other side of this baby thing, saying both my future child and I are better for it. Right now, though, I just feel really guilty. And angry.

I love to work. Maybe I don't love to work SO much, but I DO love to work. I like to feel needed and important, and also that I'm not along for a free ride. And furthermore, I think my working is necessary to provide the best life for said future kiddos. I think it contributes to my happiness, our marital success, and my personal growth. I don't know if I think this is selfish or not, but I already feel guilty about it. I absolutely HATE the idea of my child growing up in day care. I can guarantee that will not happen either. So, I feel like I will be stuck between a rock and a hard place when (hopefully) baby arrives. And to add insult to injury, why is this MY concern rather than Muscles' concern? His response is something like "We'll figure it out. I'll support whatever you do." WHY CAN'T I JUST SUPPORT WHATEVER HE DOES?!?

I don't know. Either way, I am currently, happily in denial. My hope is that some family member (or a few) will miraculously offer to keep said child/children once or twice a week until I can devise a workable plan. The other option that I am more than willing to undertake is working part time. I just interviewed for a full-time job, however, so we'll see. One bright spot of the position is that pre-school is available in the building... Whew. So much to think about.